dith.er

I don't know which way to go. Any advice?

Posts Tagged ‘Growing up

Some days I sit and wish I was a kid again

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It’s Thursday night, and I’m drinking an absolutely not-classy large pour of wine with a plump golden retriever at my feet gnawing on a bone while watching the The Babysitters’ Club. In other words, I’m housesitting (dogsitting) and therefore I have access to channels like Encore WAM, which apparently plays the 80s and 90s flicks that no one ever thinks about anymore (Mannequin is on next).

The funny thing about watching these movies (the ones that shaped my childhood and adolescence, which is no exaggeration)  is that I always expect them to disappoint me, and instead I end up loving them all over again. 

The other day I told Mike that I wished I was the age I am now back in the 80’s. And while it’s easy to say I’m doing what every generation does — glamorizing the “good ‘ol days”  — I think it’s that I’m starting to realize just how much more suited I am for life 20 years ago than life today.

This is the era of extroverts, ‘winners’, and being as similar to everyone else as possible. Cool is cool. Back in my day (joking, but really), uncool was cool. It was the age of the underdog. Think: Clarissa Explains it All, Goonies, My Girl, Karate Kid, The Sandlot, My So-Called Life, Sixteen Candles, Flight of the Navigator. I could go on. Watch these again – they’re even better than you remember them. The weird kids were cool, and they were nice, too. Nice! Remember when nice was cool?!? And in the end, they always banded together to fight some greater evil (grown ups!), instead of, you know, each other. And if you’re friends with anyone on Facebook under the age of 20, then you know Mean Girls isn’t just a movie (and ‘slut’ is a compliment).  

And don’t even get me started on technology. I’ll take Tron, the original, over texting any day.

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Written by ditheringmiss

June 17, 2010 at 10:49 pm

Posted in Life, Thoughts

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How to be a stay-at-home girlfriend

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The past week has brought on a shift in mine and Mike’s relationship. This is how the last three years have gone down:

We both had jobs.

He became a stay-at-home boyfriend, while I continued working.

We both entered the dismal world of unemployment.

I got a contract job; he went back to being the stay-at-home boyfriend.

He’s working, and I am now (*shudder*) a stay-at-home girlfriend.

I know that there is at least one person reading this who’s thinking, “Gee, that actually sounds nice.” But the thing about being the one at home while your other half is out in the world is that a. you are bored and b. you are expected to do stuff, like domestic stuff.

Let’s look at this a bit more closely: One might suppose that if you’re bored, the natural thing would be to keep yourself busy with said “domestic stuff.”  It’s completely logical. Only it doesn’t work that way (at least not for me). Instead, you consciously avoid cleaning, cooking, errands, and then, then the guilt sets in. Now you’re not only bored, you’re lazy and guilt-ridden. And it’s really dawning on you why your parents always told you how important it is to establish your independence, particularly as a woman.  And you’re thinking that you never thought you’d be here at 26, but you’re like, “Where did I think I’d be?” And the truth is you have no idea, because you never really thought this far ahead. And then you might, if you’re in a particularly sad mood, start wondering if you’ll ever be able to get married or have children, because right now it doesn’t seem like your life will ever provide you with the stability, financial or otherwise, to make either of those things logistically possible.

It’s a classic case of the I-Suck-Spiral .

Only this particular spiral is a tad schizophrenic, because in the next minute you decide to blast your iTunes and have a solo dance party in your living room just because you can. And you think, I am alive.  And you think, what does stability provide me anyways? A false sense of security? And you’re reminded of the Madeline L’Engle quote you heard last night:

“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability . . . To be alive is to be vulnerable.”

So maybe you already are the grown up you’re simultaneously terrified of becoming and not becoming. And maybe you need to get off your ass, get dressed and go through the motions of living until you get it down. And while you’re at it, try forgiving yourself because at least you are aspiring, which is more than you can say for most people, and remind yourself that you are loved. You are lucky.

There is still hope for you, yet.

Written by ditheringmiss

January 27, 2010 at 12:39 pm

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A year ago at this time things did not seem so good. Any illusions I’d had of having my life together had completely vanished. I  made a vow to myself then that if things weren’t different in a year I would do something drastic. But then a month went by and two and three and now it’s a year later and it seems nothing has changed. But of course, something has because I feel different, completely so and not different at all, too.

Sometimes I feel like every door has been slammed shut in my face, while others seem to find endless doors to walk through. Wide-open windows they jump through without looking, only they don’t fall. They fly. I see them from my spot on the ground, where there are only windows you can’t open and doors with great big dead bolts.

Sometimes I find a crack in the door. If I take a chisel and hammer to it I can bust it open, make a hole just wide enough to look through, to see what’s on the other side. It’s the best view I could ask for, even if it is only a view.

And sometimes, when the air is just so, and the right song is playing, and my chest feels full in a way I can’t put into words, I feel like the luckiest person I know. And that’s why I won’t be any making drastic changes this year–life makes enough of those without my help anyways.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

from Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now

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Written by ditheringmiss

December 10, 2009 at 6:00 am

What I Know Now

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I always know less than I think I do.

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 21, 2009 at 8:00 am

What I Know Now*

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A Momentary Lapse Of Freedom

You don’t get more confident as you get older, you just stop caring about whether you’re doing things the “right way.”

*If you’re keeping score, this was supposed to go up on Monday. Forgive my delayed posting.

inspired by The Happiness Project

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 15, 2009 at 8:46 pm

Words of Wisdom

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“What young people didn’t know, she thought, lying down beside this man, his hand on her shoulder, her arm; oh, what young people did not know. They did not know that lumpy, aged, and wrinkled bodies were as needy as their own young, firm ones, that love was not to be tossed away carelessly, as if it were a tart on a platter with others that got passed around again. No, if love was available, one chose it, or didn’t choose it. And if her platter had been full with the goodness of Henry and she had found it burdensome, had flicked it off crumbs at a time, it was because she had not known what one should know: that day after day was unconsciously squandered . . . It baffled her, the world. She did not want to leave it yet.”

Olive Kittredge, Elizabeth Strout

From Sunday’s book club. So good. We all loved it. We all loved the world a bit more.

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 13, 2009 at 10:24 pm

What I Know Now

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There is more than one way to live a good life.*

*Why it took me so long to figure this out, I’m not sure. I blame it on my parents, of course.

inspired by The Happiness Project

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 7, 2009 at 9:58 pm