dith.er

I don't know which way to go. Any advice?

Archive for the ‘Changes’ Category

Taking the long way

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Right now, I should be writing the proposal for what could be my last-ever academic paper. And yet. I suppose I’ve been hoping that a topic idea would come to me, but alas, I’ve now managed to leave things undone until the bitter end without so much as a drop of inspiration. Art mimics life, no?

When you do nothing, just waiting for that nameless thing to happen to you, well, nothing happens. At least not to me. Here’s what I know: It’s all too easy to float along. It’s all too easy to be swallowed by the minutiae of each day. It’s all too easy to forget what your point is. It’s all too easy to be mean, uninformed, selfish, hate-filled.

Yesterday my mom said, “A good life is not necessarily an easy one.” So what’s my point? It’s time to a. start taking risks and b. stop worrying so much about what other people think. I hope I don’t offend you.

What’s your point?

photo via The Infamous Gdub
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Written by ditheringmiss

March 9, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Posted in Changes, Thoughts

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A year ago at this time things did not seem so good. Any illusions I’d had of having my life together had completely vanished. I  made a vow to myself then that if things weren’t different in a year I would do something drastic. But then a month went by and two and three and now it’s a year later and it seems nothing has changed. But of course, something has because I feel different, completely so and not different at all, too.

Sometimes I feel like every door has been slammed shut in my face, while others seem to find endless doors to walk through. Wide-open windows they jump through without looking, only they don’t fall. They fly. I see them from my spot on the ground, where there are only windows you can’t open and doors with great big dead bolts.

Sometimes I find a crack in the door. If I take a chisel and hammer to it I can bust it open, make a hole just wide enough to look through, to see what’s on the other side. It’s the best view I could ask for, even if it is only a view.

And sometimes, when the air is just so, and the right song is playing, and my chest feels full in a way I can’t put into words, I feel like the luckiest person I know. And that’s why I won’t be any making drastic changes this year–life makes enough of those without my help anyways.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

from Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now

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Written by ditheringmiss

December 10, 2009 at 6:00 am

Me in Nutshell

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My oh my, I’ve been off the radar. When it comes to getting up and running on this here blog again, I think I need to start with a dip of the toes.

Updates (so we’re all on the same page):

  • I hate my skin and my skin hates me. It’s terrible. I’m not cut out for blemishes.
  • I’ve joined a social/philanthropic club. For anonymity’s sake I won’t go into details, except to say that it is incredibly unlike me and requires the use of all my very unpolished social graces at one time. Why, you ask? You know how people will say, “this year I’m going to do something I would never normally do!” This is that for me. An experiment, if you will, in being. (More on this later)
  • For book club this month, we’re reading Lolita. Read. This. Book. It’s good for your brain.
  • Mike’s blog kicks ass!
  • I have an upcoming essay to write for my class. Yikes. I haven’t written a formal paper in years. It kind of makes me want to cry.
  • But my class is awesome. I can’t even tell you how much better school is when you actually care. American Literature from the 1860’s to the 1920’s. Sounds boring, I know. It’s not! People of the early 20th century–they’re just like us! Really. It’s amazing how many of the problems we face today recall the same shit they were dealing with back then.
  • So happy to have things to look forward to every week (ie. Glee, Mad Men, and Gossip Girl).
  • This weekend shall be delightful as there will be sleeping, reading, and dining out.

End update.

It’s good to be back.

Written by ditheringmiss

September 30, 2009 at 11:18 pm

Posted in Changes, Life, Me

Tagged with ,

Uncertainty and Chocolate

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hot-chocolate

I’ve been patting myself on the back a lot the last few months, telling myself how I’ve embraced challenge and defeated it with a positive attitude. I’ve been so proud of my introspective aptitude that I conveniently forgot that there would come a day when I might actually have to apply my “inner growth” to reality.

Just the idea of this scares me, which I think means that I’m far less zen than I’ve been touting. I feel just as confused and uncertain as ever. In other words, nothing’s changed.

But even though I can’t stop old fears from surfacing, I’m able to recognize them now as pointless. Yes, I’ve been repeating mantras about the waste of worrying, but whatever, it helps, a little.

I’m drinking hot chocolate now, and that helps, too. It’s nearly impossible for me to go a day without chocolate. It’s true. Oh wow, I just thought about whipped cream. I’m already feeling better. (Yes, I eat away my emotions. It feels good.)

Update:  I’m chasing my hot chocolate with wine. Mike just handed me a glass. He said I should rename the post “Hot Chocolate and Wine.” Things are looking up.

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 17, 2009 at 9:51 pm

Facts

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– Today is my first official Friday in a long ass time. By official, I mean that it’s the first beginning of a weekend that’s actually counted as a weekend and not “just another day” in about 9 months.

– Suddenly all of the time I had on my hands is gone.gone.gone.

– Mike’s blog Food.People.Want is a reading necessity. Don’t be surprised if I shamelessly pimp it in the coming months. It’s like the puppy I never had.

– I signed up for Twitter. Eesh. I have yet to tweet a thing, but it’s there, should I feel compelled.

– My writing is coming along sloooooooowly. But I haven’t convinced myself it sucks yet, which means things are going well (and I obviously haven’t been working on it enough).

– I still dream of ranch living.

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 10, 2009 at 11:17 pm

Posted in Changes, Life, Me, Thoughts

Today

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Today I am a twenty-six year old intern.

There are some things you could have never imagined.

My hopes are high; my expectations are low.

Here goes nothing.

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 10, 2009 at 7:30 am

Another Summer Behind Us

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Death Cab for Cutie
Summer Skin

3443259355_9d99bd2b2fSqueaky swings and tall grass
The longest shadows ever cast
The water’s warm and children swim
And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don’t recall a single care
Just greenery and humid air
Then Labor day came and went
And we shed what was left of our summer skin

On the night you left I came over
And we peeled the freckles from our shoulders
Our brand new coats so flushed and pink
And I knew your heart I couldn’t win
Cause the season’s change was a conduit
And we’d left our love in our summer skin

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Written by ditheringmiss

September 7, 2009 at 8:00 am